With their gender-distorting appearance, they 
would seem the perfect mascots for legitimized 
molestation. They display a bizarre combination of 
innocence, and dare I say, a 'come hither' 
aspect(?) (very unsettling).


Success at such a young age, under their own 
power? I don't think so. I don't even want to 
imagine the kind of tortures that overbearing 
parents may be putting their children through, 
triggered by the ideal of Hanson's success.
This is all some Mormon parent would need to force 
their six-year-old to wail Blueberry Hill into a 
Mr. Microphone for six hours at a time, in 
marathon training sessions; hoping that little 
Joey will eventually support the family.
If such trials don't succeed, or succeed in 
killing the poor child, the parents can look 
forward to spending the remainder of their years, 
soiling themselves in a crooked nursing home: 
little Joey has a good memory.


Hanson, earlier in their career than most, has 
expressed their philosophy. This belief of theirs, 
aside from their Evangelical Christian upbringing, 
consists entirely of "...hanging out, and having 
fun..."; brilliant, incredible. One can only 
speculate upon the overall impact of this 
philosophy on the World; no doubt, many people 
will forgoe the misinterpretably dreary stigma of 
Nietzsche's own catalist-to-clarity, adopted and 
disowned; Nihilism, in favor of the simplistic and 
incomplete Hansonism. We will most likely also 
witness a notable decline in Eastern philosophies 
as well, as the many paradoxes of Zen beliefs, and 
concepts of Karmic forces, prove unecessary when 
the key to the universe lies in five simple words, 
conceived by three isolated children raised in a 
restrictive branch of Christianity.


If the few radio stations that are friendly to an 
11-14 audience, and the Disney-owned ABC network 
put Hanson into heavy-rotation, it will likely 
have adverse effect on people's intestinal 
stability, causing them to vomit, or heave, 


From my own field research, I have gathered that 
repeated exposure to Hanson's music; with its 
simplistic rhythms, high-pitched tones, and lack 
of dynamic range, can cause a restriction of blood 
flow to the brain and nervous system.

Symptoms include a decrease in cognative skills, 
loss of memory, reduced vocabulary, decreased 
control of impulses, migraines, irritability, and 
a physical decrease in the mass and weight of the 
brain. In fact, I have located their earliest 
young fan, whom first heard them at a Cow Bingo 
final in Tulsa, at the age of six, and now, due to 
the detrimental effect of the music on the 
devopement of her still growing brain, has a head 
reduced to a size comparable to a baseball; 
though, shaped somewhat like a potato.


Sales of literary staples Stephen King, and (ejfwegb) will likely decrease, as readers will favor the latest regurgitation of The Baby-Sitters Club saga.


Children who make a living extorting change from the sickly, anemic, 'sensative' children will run into a severe cash flow problem, as they find their routine victims are penniless, having used their last Sheckle on Hanson Brand underoos, and hair care products, and faulty electronics, and...


Most bands, if not all, will drop the silly, trivial pretense of depth and musical quality, in favor of panderously written pop tunes, verbalizing experiences that never actually happened.


I have a feeling that many people will put their palms against their temples, and press their thumbs into their eyes, until they cease to bear witness to the atrocities.


When a yonger, more talented (marginally talented by stricter standards) band begins to usurp the aging, but still somehow pubescent, Hansons, they conceive an ill-fated scheme to do physical harm to their resented competitors.