|NEW KIDS ON THE SHLOCK DEPT.|
It isn't easy being America's most popular pre-pubescent pop trio! Between coping with the screaming fans, the daily Clearasil applications and the constant mall riots, Isaac, Taylor and Zac don't have much time to sit down in their parents' garage and sort through mail sacks filled with these moronic...
Letters To Hanson
February 12, 1998
(sixth letter of the day!)
Reason #2,846 Why Hanson is the greatest: the way Isaac flips his hair
Reason #2,847 Why Hanson is the greatest: Taylor's left dimple
Reason #2,848 Why Hanson is the greatest: Zac's cool robot dancing on stage
Sorry I can't list more reasons now, but my parents have this bogus idea that I'm obsessed with you and have limited me to only ONE ream of paper per week! (And they say fascism is dead!)
Love Love Love Love
2329 HOUSEWIFE LANE, PEORIA, IL 3/
I am the mother of four teenagers and I just want to applaud you for being such fine, upstanding role models for today's youth! In this age of "Grundge Rock" and "Beavis and Butt-man," it's rare to find performers as happy and cheerful as you three ladies!
(And don't worry, girls — those breasts will start growing before you know it!)
Dear Hanson, (I love you)
I love you guys so much, I recently got tatoos
of your names and faces all over my body! My older
brother (he's in High school!!!!!!) says this was
stupid because even though you seem big now,
you're probably a flaver-of-the-month who'll be
nothing but a trivia question next year ---> and I'll
be stuck with dumb tatoos for the rest
of my life!!!!!!
P.S. Who are the "New Kids On The Block" and "Menudo" my IDIOT brother keeps bringing up??
Okay, it's time we had it out! The teen-hunk world isn't big enough for the both of us! Meet you in the alley behind Tiger Beat magazine this Saturday
(Our curfew is at 10:00!)
You are the SWEETEST CUTEST SWEETEST! I'll bet you'd all be the best
boyfriends!! I'll bet you'd LOVE a girl even if she
wasn't the smartest or the best looking! Why, I'll
even bet you'd LOVE a girl who had braces, thick
eyeglasses, many zits or was a few pounds overweight,
Even if she was retaining water because of the stress
of dealing with her bratty sister Elane/
I'm a twelve year-old girl who had a huge crush on the three of you. That is, until my therapist explained what was really going on: she said that you embody a "non-threatening masculinity" which enables me to fulfill my immature romantic desires without the "phyical demands" of "real boys," which could "prove damaging to someone at my fragile psycho-sexual age."
So now, I think YOU SUCK!
Upper West Side, New York, NY
DEAR ZAC, YOU YUMMY BOY,
I KNOW THIS IS KIND OF SUDDEN, BUT COULD YOU COME
VISIT ME? I'LL EVEN SEND YOU A ONE-WAY BUS TICKET, AND
PUT IT ON
PLEASE, PLEASE COME—AND DON'T TELL ANYBODY!
YOUR NEW PAL,