1. Bulbous nose
  2. Always sucking in cheeks
  3. Expression of self-satisfaction
  4. Vain intensity
  5. Androgenous

Jordan Taylor Hanson is the archetypal teen idol, and then some. Not only is he 'blessed' with the template '70s teen-idol look: including long, feminine blonde hair, petite frame, tacky clothing, and ruddy complexion; he also has age on his side. His age places him in the sights of desperate girls from twelve to seventeen as well as aging deviants. When all is said and done, age is really his only endearing quality now that he's sadly lost his Jackson Five-ish voice.

Being considered the 'cute' one, in a band of three fruity brothers hasn't escaped Taylor; and his vanity has been compounded by what musicians commonly refer to as LVS, or 'Lead Vocalist Syndrome,' as is manifested in the innumerable instances when Taylor compulsively steals the spotlight away from his hapless brothers. Not to imply any additional semblance to what is widely considered the greatest band ever, but he's their John and their Yoko. I feel remorse having made even the slightest comparison, so I will atone by mentioning that a popular guitar magazine held a survey asking what was the greatest disappointment in music in '98. Many letters stated simply: "Hanson."

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